Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
