Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
