bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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