great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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