Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
