I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
