She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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