WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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