Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
