he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
This is the high leading the old right now
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
