it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
