I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
