operation harelip BJ is a go
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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