a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
