i think my tv is drunk
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
