i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
