i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
