i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize