Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Man, jail baloney is awful.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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