The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
