Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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