Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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