in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
