It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
