everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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