It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I think my fart just growled at me.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
