WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
