She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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