I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
