his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
