My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
