Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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