I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
