so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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