Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
