Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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