My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
