Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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