After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
