I faked an abortion last night.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
