i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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