Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
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The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
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They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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