WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
