In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
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