I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
