Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
