I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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