Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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