I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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