I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
