TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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