I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
