Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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